18. Good Grief.

Loss and the illusion of a sense of control

Sep 29, 2024

Last week, I lost an aunt to pancreatic cancer. Through the end, Eloise was an inspiration, an example of peace, acceptance, and gratitude. We’d almost forgotten she was sick. Eloise was so gorgeous, a baddie, if you will. She lived healthily and was still very active nearly a full year into her diagnosis, which, if you know anything about pancreatic cancer, is a rarity. More importantly, she was so grateful for her time here. The art she created, the love she shared, and the unforgettable memories she helped shape.

I, on the other hand, haven’t been so accepting. My father has been battling frontotemporal dementia for at least a decade. My father’s symptoms became undeniable eight years ago when he was formally diagnosed with primary progressive aphasia. At each stage, I think it can’t possibly get any worse, but it always does. If I explain the symptoms to you, you would think I was describing the most twisted psychological thriller akin to Blumhouse–A strong, charming man, a family man, and a provider who can somehow make anything possible, a true protector who one day wakes up a prisoner to his own body and mind.

He’s slowly pulled into psychosis. It wraps itself around his reality. Everything familiar to him is now foreign as his power to comprehend fades. He watches as words float away, frantically grabbing at them as they dissolve, one by one, in front of his face. He can no longer grasp language, and the world he once conquered can no longer understand him. He shouts and screams from behind a glass pane, rattling the gates, confused as to why he cannot get out and why no one can hear him. His body starts to fail him, too.

Despite it all, he fights back. He tries so hard. He is determined; that’s him, and that part will always be him.

I cannot help but mourn the life he worked so hard for and the ending he deserves–a retirement filled with fishing and football, time spent with his grandchildren, and walking his baby girl down the aisle. I lay witness to the ripple effect this degenerative disease has had on everyone he loves and who loves him: my mother, my brother, and our entire family.

When it was publically announced that Bruce Willis and Wendy Williams were diagnosed with the same fate, I mourned for their families, too, because I understood.

So, no, there’s been little peace, acceptance, and gratitude lately, but my beautiful Aunt Eloise has reminded us all that death isn’t its own entity but a rooted part of our life experience. Maybe this is a love letter to Eloise’s positive outlook and my father’s unwavering strength because one thing is certain: we cannot choose how death greets us, but we can choose how we respond.

Support In The Form of Self-Care.

Control is an illusion, and everyone’s process differs, but I would like to share a few helpful tips below to soften the experience. This list is not long nor exhaustive, but it is a start.

➸ For an intellectual approach to the process.

This book, Hello Grief: I’ll be Right with You, by Alessandra Olanow, is filled with images and insights from the author/artist’s loss of her mother and her training as an end-of-life doula. Olanow recounts her struggle and journey through pain and loss and what she’s learned from it.

➸ To rest and reset.

Leave it to a Scorpio to point out the therapeutic qualities of water, but Flewd Stress Care bath soaks are my go-to when life feels a little chaotic. Allow your mind to slow down and your system to reset by soaking in and absorbing magnesium, zinc, nootropics, and l-carnitine, which guide you to a state of calm and aid in a good night’s rest.

➸ To maintain a strong immune system.

Grief and sadness (stress) can wreak havoc on your immune system. Revisiting the fulvic acid conversation, Trace Minerals Fulvic Acid is still a good choice for immune support, especially when you find yourself in a state of continued distress.

Another immune booster is bee pollen*. Not only does it help with immunity in times of need, but it also blocks histamines for those with allergies.

*The Zach and Zoë brand is a Tiny Bodega favorite.

➸ On the radar.

I haven’t tried this one yet, but Shilajit, which contains fulvic acid, has been appearing on my radar. And how fitting that is, as we talk about death as a natural cycle of life, this mineral resin is formed from the decomposition of plant matter and earth. Containing 86 trace minerals, Shilajit is touted as an Ayurvedic medicine to help with mental clarity, energy, and overall health.

➸ Lastly, take care.

Whatever or whomever it is you’re mourning, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Show yourself grace for being human. And give yourself time.

Love,

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